The Anxious Mommy

                                                                 
                                                               (Is it truly a mom picture without a stain on your shirt?) 

 Hello everyone! I have missed you all!

I honestly don't think that there is any valuable excuse for my long MIA status other than life certainly does have a way of keeping you up and if you are anything like me, you get caught up in the messes that it can bring. There has been SO much that has happened since the last time I blogged for you guys. I won't bore you with all of the details so I will give you the cliff notes version. I had my beautiful baby boy in January of 2018 and it has completely changed my world for the better. However, my life as a wife has completely transformed into my life as a wife...and as a full time mommy. Or should I say as an anxious mommy. What mom doesn't worry about their kids on a daily basis? What mom doesn't want to protect their child from all harm and hurt? Right? Of course! I will be the first mom to admit that I am wholeheartedly a worry queen when it comes to my baby. You don't realize the extent of how much your life will change until the day you hold your baby in your arms for the first time. You never could have imagined the amount of love you have in your heart until you see your baby enter the world. The world is a big, scary place for such a tiny human with such an innocent soul. I have always wanted to keep a very raw and honest blog for all my readers because I have learned through life experience that we as humans need to feel a sense of belongingness, the feeling that we are understood in all areas of our life. I have learned through my own battles that healing is found when you can finally come to terms with your demons and see them for what they are. We as mom's sometimes carry the world on our shoulders and what our bodies go through bringing life into the world as well as being the best mom we can be to our kids is sometimes the biggest challenge we can face because in the midst of being there for our kids, we sometimes lose sight of who we are and who we were before them. Let me stop for a moment and clearly state, I love my baby more than life itself and he is my biggest and greatest blessing but I have lost who I am and I have realized that I find myself in a very dark place some days and the reason I believe that this happens is because I have trouble balancing the different parts of me when I invest so much of myself into being a role model to my son, a playmate for my son, a provider and protector for my son, and a source of love for my son. Anyone else feel this way? While this may be your favorite part of you, it is SO vital to never lose sight of the person you have always been. 

As I have mentioned before in the past, I have always struggled with anxiety but I have noticed that after I had my son, it only got worse from there. I cried most days and found myself never wanting to leave my house out of fear of something happening to my son. I became this unrecognizable hermit who pushed away so many people who were so influential in my life. I didn't know who I was anymore, all I knew was that I needed to be there for my son. Little did I know that while it is life's most rewarding job for me, it quickly made my anxiety become overwhelming and reach completely new heights. I started to notice that I was becoming angrier and more closed off to those I loved, including my husband. I started to notice that I was causing a rift between us because I didn't know how to be a good wife while being a good mom. Being Gabriel's mommy was all I cared about. This started to negatively affect me in even more ways because while I lost sight of myself, I also lost the other parts of my life that were just as important in the process. There was one day where I had reached my limit and I knew that something had to change. I had to do some serious internal reflecting and searching. I have always had a wonderful relationship with journaling and writing. It has always been one of my most useful therapeutic remedies. It has always been so much easier to write down my thoughts and make sense of it all and it has helped me tremendously in my life with anxiety. I took out my journal after months and months of keeping it locked away in my dresser and I wiped the dust off of it and just started writing. Ever since that night, I slowly started to understand this new person that I had become, and what I realized was that I had not lost who I was but I actually just grew into a stronger version of that person. I suddenly started feeling a weight being lifted off of my shoulders, I started to feel good enough again after months feeling like I wasn't adequate enough to be this perfect angel's mommy. To all mommies out there, you are ENOUGH. It is hard being a mom because there is so much pressure on you and there is a person who depends on you and looks up to you and everything you do. You want to make sure that they always feel loved, taken care of, and heard while tackling the other responsibilities that life throws at us. It is tough being multiple people all at once everyday and it is so easy to get lost in the mess of it all but I want you all to know that if you feel like you are losing sight of yourself and life is pushing you down, just remember that you have the fight inside of you to pull through every difficult time you find yourself in. You will always be someone's superhero and when I need a little boost of encouragement, all I have to do is look at my son and I see the happy and brave person that he is becoming and I am reminded that I helped him see that in himself because of the constant love and affection that I have shown him. That alone should show you how amazing you are and the endless gifts that you have to give. If we can all see ourselves the way our kids see us then the world would be a much happier place. Don't you think? With that said, find what you love and find what brings you peace. It's so important to your sanity and to your mental health. Starting with this blog post, I want to be a voice to all mommies out there who are struggling to find themselves and I want you to know that you are not alone. We will fight this fight together! I promise I will be writing again very soon! 

Love,

The Anxious Mommy.