The Postpartum Chronicles

Sleepless nights, unwashed and unbrushed hair, sore nipples, the smell of spit up on almost every shirt you own. As mom's we are prepared for this part of motherhood, we know that it comes with the mommy territory. However, what we are never prepared for as a mom is the debilitating punch that comes with the evil presence of postpartum depression. What's even worse is our society isn't always prepared for it either. I think the biggest reason for that is unless you are a woman and a mother, only then can you begin to understand what it feels like. Therefore, the rest of the population doesn't see the seriousness and severity it can cause. It's not even a listed mental disorder in the DSM-5 for pete's sake! The DSM-5 describes it as major depression with peripartum onset or "peripartum depression" that includes a major depressive episode that occurs during pregnancy or within 4 weeks following the delivery of your baby. WRONG AGAIN! Did you know it takes a mother almost two years in order to fully recover postpartum? Which means, postpartum depression can last for the duration of those two years. Any woman can suffer from postpartum depression but women who have a history of anxiety or depression are more likely to develop PPD. In today's world, more and more individuals are suffering from anxiety and depressive disorders which means that more and more expecting mother's will likely face PPD and frankly more needs to be done to help these women, including myself. Granted, there are websites, support groups, centers and crisis lines that specialize in these areas but aside from that, there needs to be more of an action plan that gets set in motion as soon as baby is born to help combat PPD, such as affordable therapy that goes along with your Postpartum doctor visits. It demands more attention! Women are taking their own lives and too many families are left with the haunting question of, why isn't PPD taken more seriously? Just to educate you a little bit on PPD, it's becoming increasingly common. More than 3 million cases a year! Let's not forget to mention the risk of major depression that most women will experience later on in life because of PPD. These facts alone should suggest that PPD is a mental health concern that needs more care. Almost all women will have the so called, "baby blues" after birth as it is a significant life change that requires pretty quick adaptation on top of all of the hormones that is resonating in your tired body. Because of this, anxiety and mild depression is pretty common and usually involves sudden mood swings and typically subsides after two weeks but women who do experience the baby blues are more at risk of developing postpartum depression. PPD involves more intense bouts of depression, anxiety, irritability, and despair. These symptoms usually last much longer, even up to a year or two. Generally, therapy or medication is needed to help because the ability to function everyday becomes a struggle. Postpartum psychosis is a very rare but very serious mental illness that begins anywhere from delivery up to six weeks postpartum. The symptoms include feeling completely detached from reality and an individual can have delusional thoughts and hallucinations as well as thoughts of hurting oneself or their baby. Now that I sound like a boring textbook, I want to share a little of my story with PPD with you. 

When I had Gabriel, my postpartum journey was much worse. I believe it was due to the fact that his birth was very traumatic and he was my first child. To this day, I cannot remember the delivery up until he was about two months old. I relive that time through my husband's stories. I was totally disconnected from my reality and a part of me believes I wanted to be. Healing took too long and I couldn't cope with the sudden life change and the heavy responsibilities that came with being a new mom so my brain decided to just tune out for a few months while I just went through the motions like an expressionless robot. It brings me sadness thinking that I didn't enjoy that time with him like I should have but I will be the first to tell you, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! 

Fast forward to my second child, my baby girl letti. Her birth was much more enjoyable because ultimately I got to give birth the way I always wanted to, naturally. While it felt like death during labor, once she entered the world, it was an empowering feeling. I remember wanting to capture and savor that moment as much as I could once I was holding her because I never wanted to forget my child's birth again. Because of my labor experience with her, I honestly didn't think I would suffer from PPD again but I did and in a different way. When we brought her home and in the days that followed, I began to realize that I just wasn't bonding with her like I wanted to. I didn't feel this immense love like I so desperately wanted to feel for her and I didn't know why. With Gabriel, the moment I saw him for the first time I fell head over heels in love so why didn't I feel that with her? Because of this, I started to feel like I was trapped in this dark place and I couldn't get out no matter what I did. I had a bad case of mom guilt because I couldn't bond with her and that only worsened my depression. My relationship with Ricky started to falter because I never wanted to be touched and I lost my temper one too many times because I was always irritable and sad. I didn't have as much time with Gabe as I used to have and that added to the guilt because I knew he needed me just as much. One day, I reached an all time low. I started having these horrible thoughts of leaving and the thought of driving away and never looking back sounded pretty freeing at the time and that's when I realized that I needed help. I had tried to manage on my own and I never talked to anyone about how I was feeling due to the fear of being judged or ridiculed for my actions and thoughts that came with my PPD but I knew I didn't ever want to feel this way again. Two months into my postpartum, I'm still having really bad days but I am starting therapy and taking antianxiety medication which helps me have good days too. I'm more in control of my feelings and emotions and I am slowly climbing out of that trapped room of darkness in my mind but I know it will take time and healing. I take it one day at a time. What I have learned through this journey is to be patient with yourself, be honest with yourself and be easy on yourself. As mom's, a lot of the time we feel like we carry the whole world on our shoulders and in a matter of speaking, we do. Our kids are our world and we all want to be the very best mom's we can be to them because they bring out the best in us but in order to do that, we have to be okay with admitting and owning the newly transformed woman that we are once we become a mom. We all will have those bad days and my mission is to normalize that so us as women can seek help and support more when we feel at our lowest. Every momma needs help. That's why they say it takes a village to raise kids. When we can accept those bad days, it makes the sleepless nights, unwashed and unbrushed hair, sore nipples and the smell of spit up on almost every shirt you own just a little more bearable. 

Stay strong and true to yourselves momma! We are in this together. 

Love,

The Anxious Momma