Hi, my name is anxiety.

I used to believe that anxiety was just a normal human emotion that you experience in flight or fight situations. I used to believe what I would always tell myself, you will never be the object of your emotions. Well, fast forward 12+ years and look what you've got, an anxiety ridden mother with OCD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and to top it all off... Emetophobia. Never heard of it? Neither had I until I realized how much it was affecting my life. It's the fear of vomiting. Or the fear of seeing other people vomit. Even writing the word sends me in a panic. The first thing I do when I think about a phobia is I try to dissect the exact moment where I developed this overwhelming fear and to this day, I still don't know where it comes from. I myself experienced an occasional stomach bug in my childhood years and never thought anything of it up until I reached my twenties. I had been exposed countless times to all kinds of people such as family and my friends at school who would be sick frequently and not ever would I rush to the nearest bathroom to scrub my hands multiple times with scalding hot water. What I can pinpoint is when my OCD tendencies got progressively worse...when I became a mother. When you become a mother your whole entire world changes, you change. The day I became a mother was the day that I realized my life would always be different. These realizations came with great joy and love as I stared at my new beautiful baby boy. I wanted to give him the world but even more so than that, I also wanted to protect him from it. I don't see the world as it should be seen. I see it as a very dark, unpredictable and scary place and I'm positive that that is one of the many reasons why I have anxiety. Ever since my son's birth, I have become a completely different person. An unrecognizable shell of a person in the mirror but inside my soul remains the same. I used to be such an easy going and even tempered person with a bubbly and social personality but fast forward to today and I guess you can truly see how much anxiety can change you. Alongside of my OCD, I have developed severe germaphobia to the point where I go through a dispenser of hand soap in two days. In the Santiago house, everyone's hands must be washed before any meal, after coming inside, after someone visits, etc. I have a very particular way of doing things and while it's needed for me, it's not what I want for my husband and my kid. I never want Gabe to experience these kinds of issues and I never want him to see me suffer from them either so I do my best to always mask it because I never want my tendencies to rub off on him. He deserves better. I will make sure he gets better than that. 

 I can't stand the thought of being in crowded places with a lot of kids because I am so terrified of Gabe catching something and becoming really ill. (Irrational, I know.) My son is my whole world and I love him with every ounce of me and I want him to have the very best life because he gave me mine. I know the first step in fighting this is coming to terms and accepting that these are the mental health issues that I struggle with. This is me at the moment. 

I was inspired by another blog post from a woman who shared the same exact fears as me and she described how completely debilitating it is and how it has impacted her life and how alone and isolated she feels. It was the first time in a long time that I felt understood, I felt heard. It made me realize that I am not the only one who suffers from Emetophobia and I'm not the only one who's life has been significantly altered by this. It made me realize that I wanted to be that person for someone else who is going through exactly what I'm going through. I want to let others know that they do not suffer alone. 

Here's a little taste of my life with anxiety:

There are days where I never want to leave my house because of my crippling fear that something will happen to my son and because large crowds make me nervous and really anything out of my own safety net makes me anxious and triggers me. I am constantly exhausted because being a prisoner in my own mind takes a lot of fight out of me. I see news articles all the time about how a common cold can turn into a deadly flu or a lung infection or how a little fever can progress into respiratory problems and a scary trip to the hospital. I see on the news these articles about mass shootings happening anywhere you go whether it be walking downtown somewhere or in a very popular store such as Walmart. It's reasons like these that fuel the fire to my overbearing ways and my need to control every aspect of my life. Even though it isn't a healthy lifestyle, it's one that has routine and structure which is essential to a person with extreme anxiety. I fear the unknown and my thought process is as long as I remain in control, I am in the know. Crazy right? I am what I always told myself I never wanted to be...the object of my emotions.

I feel so alone most days and even though I so badly want to be surrounded by friends and family, my anxiety makes me want to be alone so I don't have to worry about sickness or showing people who I really am below the surface. It's made me a lousy, unreliable and at times cold friend. In my heart, I so badly want to be the person I used to be to my friends and family and I want to give that to my son, I just don't know how to get that part of me back just yet. Although, I'm hopeful that this is a great start. I believe that I will get better. This dark period in my life is only temporary. I say this because I am a fighter and I will make sure that my life will change for the better. When I look at my son and the joy that he brings to me everyday, I am reminded of the woman that I used to love and the woman that I have always been deep inside. When my son looks at me, he sees me for me and not the woman that my anxiety has turned me into. That's motivation enough to demand change and to get my life back. Granted, I know that I can never truly get rid of my anxiety because it will always be there but I know I can cope and handle it so much better with the right help. This is the hardest subject to talk about for me because it's raw and deep and talking about this part of myself is something that I never do. However, thankfully we are in a beautiful time in our generation. Mental health awareness has sparked a whole new movement. A movement that I want to be a part of. Mental health is just as  important as your physical health and it needs to be taken more seriously. With strong, brave people taking a stand and talking about their own real life mental health issues, it changes the stigma and shapes the world of mental health as we know it. It's okay to talk about it, it's okay to not be okay. 

I want to be a voice for the unspoken. I am with you in this fight. #mentalhealthawareness

-Love, the Anxious Mom.